I found this hilarious blog about Twilight —- How Twilight Changed my Life by Miss Britt

excerpt from the blog…

…Have Become An Advocate For Teen Sex

Edward and Bella have to have sex.

Seriously.

If these two do not end up consuming each other at some point I will lose my damn mind. And if wanting two 17 year old children to get it on is wrong, then I don’t want be right.

I am completely in love and craving more.

In a way, I’m like this blogger (Miss Britt). I didn’t really resist, but I did scoffed at the idea about teenage vampire and love. I knew it’s for teenagers and like ‘Miss Britt’, I felt I was too old for this crap. I went and watch it just to accompany a friend who’s a Twilight fan. I ended up watching this TWICE in the theater. Considering this is the only movie *ever* that I’ve watched more than once in a theater, that’s saying a LOT at how much I’ve fallen in love with this movie…with this whole TWILIGHT saga. And thus, my transforation into a Twilight fan began….

*sigh*

FOREVER WITH YOU
oct 28, 2008

I didn’t know how or why
you became so much more
I didn’t know it was possible
to give up everything
just to stay with you
just to not lose you

but I knew this is the only way
I would rather not live
than not hear your voice again
feel your cold skin against mine
your cold lips on mine

I knew I’d prefer death
than life without you
so I’ll give everything up
even my life
So I won’t lose you

As I know you’d rather not live
than know you’ve hurt me
As I know you’d rather not live
than know you’ll never see me again

It’s not a hard choice
It never was
So I gave up everything
to have everything with you
just to have forever with you
you are my life now
forever and forever
and forever

Note: ”Forever and forever and forever” is the the last thing Edward said to Bella when book four (Breaking Dawn) of the Twilight saga ended. This ‘unconditional’ love in the saga fascinates me since this doesn’t exist in the real world. For Bella and Eward to know, to be so certain, that they would rather die than lose each other, is heartbreaking. For ME. People can say ‘i love you’ all the time and then change their mind, overnight, over time. So this thing that Stephenie Meyer created, for me, is as unbelievable as it is breathtaking as dragons and wizards. I personally am a cynic at heart and know that I will not love, and am not capable of loving (romantically speaking) anybody as much as Bella and Edward have. Which is why this captivates me so much… because it’s so unreal, so magical, yet so heartbreakingly possible, and so much more. 

Mom updated me that Tita was discharged from the hospital yesterday (Thursday Philippine time), and she’s required to do therapy three times a week until the therapist has decided that’s she okay. I’m so thankful that that she’s okay and that my parents and my younger sister were there to help her.

Thank you, God.

I thought I was feeling better, that is, feeling fairly positive that it will be okay. And I think it will be okay, as mom keep reassuring me. It must’ve been the alcohol last night. I’ve never been the happiest person here, but I do try my best. However, I fear that the recent turn of events back home have a more drastic effect on me. One that I didn’t think was coming, but somehow knew it’s bound to happen. I’m not making any sense. What I just wrote is a contradiction. An irony? No..that can’t be it. What I’m trying to say, or write for this matter is that, I’m afraid I’ve slipped into depression again.

Have I truly gotten rid of it in the first place? This disease that wouldn’t go away ever since I left home. I think it may have been in remission, and I thought I’ve got it under control. That is, I’ve learned to live my life here one day at a time. I thought I was doing okay. But years of struggle against depression has been undone in just a couple of days — learning about what’s been happening, or what’s happened to my family. I deperately try to keep my mind busy at work. But after that, I don’t even want to go anywhere after that. The last thing I want is to ’socialize’ with people I don’t really care about, and who don’t care about me. In the end, I think not having the guts to stick to my word when I say ‘I don’t want to go out’ just makes matter worse. I just have so many fears inside, between the bad economy and uncertainty of work here, and not being able to make everything okay back home, just sends me deeper into a hole. My insomnia has gotten worse I know because of this depression.

I just don’t know what to do… so I started going to church again. I went to a mass this afternoon. I tried to think when was it that I last went to church… back in April? This may be the longest that I haven’t attended a mass. I’m such a mess inside. I’ve become what I’ve promised myself not to be: someone who only reaches out to God when in need. I’m so deeply ashamed of myself. I’ve never forgotten to thank God every night. Am I just imagining this? This feeling that I only reach out to God when I’m in need? I’ve never forgotten God. I’m just not a church person. I don’t know. It’s such a mess right now. I’m such a mess inside. God has a purpose in everything… and I hope me and my family will be strong enough to make this through. Well, they seem to be taking it better than me..or are they really? Gawd… I don’t know anymore. I just don’t. I feel so lost.

I make it a point to call home everyday for an update on Tita’s health, and to make sure mom and dad are getting all the help they need, and that they themselves are okay. The maid stays with Tita in the hospital while mom and dad take some much needed rest before going back to the hospital. My younger sister took the early flight back home the moment our older brother emailed us about Tita. So…everything do happen for a reason. If my younger sister went to Saudi last August, she wouldn’t be home now helping out. And mom said Tita cried when the doctor confirmed it was a ‘mild’ stroke. She said something like ‘If I’m going, I don’t want to die being a burden’. My mom explained to her that she’s never a burden and she’s family. I just found out about this tonight from mom. Mom said after we (me, my older brother, my younger sister, and then her older sis here in Chicago) started calling to check in on her, she got teary eyed as she realized a lot of people care for her. Especially after my younger sister flew back home the instant she found out.

We’re all trying to stay positive and hopefully she’ll be able to adjust to what happened. That is, she’ll be careful in her movements and everything, and that hopefully the therapist will really be able to do wonders and help her.

There were a lot of happenings back home, all of which were scary and made me realize all the more about our mortality and how fragile life is. I found out from mom that my older sister was rushed to the hospital on Tuesday for bleeding. She was finally released yesterday (Friday Philippine time). She has strict orders from her ob-gyn to bed rest. So she can’t go downstairs. Their maid and her husband bring everything to her. She’s not to get out of bed unless to pee. Mom said she cried when she saw the blood, but the ob-gyn assured her after a few days that as long as she stay in bed, she and the baby will be fine. I called her tonight (after I called mom and Tita). She sounded cheerful now but while she told me how it happened, I can’t help but think how awful it must’ve been for her. Our younger sister stayed with her in the hospital together with our brother-in-law.

Again, my younger sister. I can’t imagine how it must’ve been for her too. First, stressing over our older sister, and then while it’s not even barely over, she found out about Tita. I don’t know what she told Manang (our older sister) about why she suddenly needed to fly back home and leave her and our brother-in-law when they’re still in the hospital. Everybody in the family knew about Tita but Manang. Mom said she has a very delicate pregnancy and she can’t be stressed out.

And then, Manang told me that there was a big fire near our older brother’s apartment the other night. He and my sis-in-law had just left for a movie/date night when the nanny texted them to go home right away because there’s a fire nearby. When my brother called the nanny, he can barely understand her because she was panicking, and my poor nephew, who was home alone with the nanny, was crying because he too was scared. They went home right away. Six houses total were affected by the fire. The cause? A drunk husband and his wife had a fight, the the idiot drunk cut the gas hose and lit it up. Nobody can find the two SOBs. A neighbor said that if they find those two, they’d kill them theirselves.

Then there’s the case of my sis-in-law, who’s job may be in jeopardy. The team got reshuffled and her new schedule can be dangerous to her health. She, with my older brother’s support, may be resigning before the end of the year.  

So much bad things happening but I’m hoping, praying that something good will come out of this. I’m just thankful that my older sister, older brother and his family are okay, and that Tita is trying to be positive with help from us, her family.

And then there’s my younger sister. She may be spoiled. She may be painfully selfish at times. But it’s times like this that you can truly see and appreciate the goodness in a person. As I think about what she’s going through herself, between coping with the fact that she’s currently jobless and her career’s future is in a limbo, and what’s happened to our older sister and now with Tita, she’s tried her best to be there for them. And as I think about it, even if what she told me in the email was out of line, I can set aside my pride and forgive her for what she’s said, even if she hasn’t asked for forgiveness. If there’s one thing this whole ordeal, though not over, has taught me, it’s that life is fagile and way too short to spend holding a grudge over a loved one. She deserves all the understanding and support from us, even if she pushes us away at times and hurt our feelings in the process. She deserves it, because I know, just like everyone in the family, she’ll do anything for every one of us.

My dad, mom, tita, my older brother, older sister and younger sister have all been very generous in their support through my darkest moments. I worry about them, sometimes too much. But it’s human nature.

My brother just emailed that our Aunt, who’s like a second mom to us, suffered a ‘mild’ stroke late last night. I don’t even know exactly how a stroke can be mild, but a stroke is a stroke. I read the email twice and I just cried. I haven’t cried like this since 2006. I feel so trapped here. I can’t leave and go home right now because the other member in the team is on vacation and won’t be back until January. If I leave now, the team will be short-staffed.

I’m scared. And I can’t stop crying. God, please let her be okay. Please let her fully recover. Please give her several more years to live. Please.

It’s so hard when you’re so far away and you’re not there by their side to make sure they’re safe. and really recovering.

Sometimes I fear that they just tell me half-truths so I won’t worry. It doesn’t help. I still worry. I still get scared. I’m flying back home the moment the other team member gets back…that would be early January. Now I can’t sleep and I can’t stop crying. And my chest hurts it’s hard to breathe. Please let everything be okay. Please.

I love my family. Despite of what I’ve been saying, I love them.

What is it about me that just attracts liars and people who don’t have the fucking slightest idea about ‘respect’ ? Is it too much to ask for an HONEST roommate? A roommate who knows how to respect your things and space? It’s like de ja vu.

My former roommate was a liar big time. I helped her and gave her space and consideration and she screwed me. Yeah, stole my fucking SSN, used it, and lied about it to my face. Then she started getting hurt and indignant because I’m paranoid and can’t trust her. Duh. Loser. So she left / I kicked her out. It kinda went both ways.

So now here I thought I found a ”decent” roomie. I should’ve have known. Another fucking liar. I tried to ignore his “little” lies (just as I tried to ignore my ex-roomies ‘little’ lies) but it bothered me that he lies for no reason at all. He lies about things that nobody even gives a shit. Pathological liar. sheesh. I tried so hard but it was like every week I’d catch him lying, or he’d eventually tell me he lied about this and that. I mean, WTH dude?

And then there’s the case of him not wanting to get a fucking checkbook because he didn’t want to pay for the checkbook. Seriously??? So, he deposits his rent to my account and I give the check to the office. And then, he’s supposed to sign the lease with me because nobody’s supposed to stay in the place for over 2 weeks without signing a lease. There is of course an application fee of 35$ (background check, etc). So we went to the leasing office and he didn’t have a cashier’s check. He told the clerk he’ll be back with the check and sign the new lease (the clerk told me to temporarily renew  my lease for 6 months until he gets back and can sign the lease for both of us). Guess what. He never came back. Never signed the lease. 

I explained to him before that I just want him to sign the lease to conform with the guidelines in the apartment, but that he can leave even before 6 months. Gawd. I know why he didn’t come back. He didn’t want to pay 35$. Unbelievable. 

So the way I see it, he basically gave up his rights to the apartment. I mean, he didn’t want to take any responsibility. So any person who has an ounce of common sense and respect, knowing that it’s NOT his apartment, would have at least have the decency to ASK me if it’s okay that he has a guest (his wife) coming in 5 days. He just told me his wife is coming and is staying in MY apartment for 3 weeks. He never asked my permission. If he signed the damn lease, if he pays his rent share with his own fucking check, I wouldn’t have a say. But no, it’s ONLY MY NAME that’s on the lease, so it’s MY apartment. Prick.

When he moved in, he asked to use my kitchen stuff, etc. I said okay, no big deal. I don’t mind as long as he actually TAKES CARE OF IT. Who in their right mind would use a FORK to cook scrambled eggs? It’ll damage the teflon. So I very nicely and politely asked him to use one of the cooking utensils, although it was too late becaue the pan was full of scratches.

Then came his “guest”. Now, I don’t know what he told his wife about the situation but with the way she’s been acting around, it’s as if I have to be the one who have to adjust that she’s around. WTF bitch? You’re using my plates, forks, pans, EVERYTTHING in the kitchen, and you have the nerve to act like that? You’re using my fucking salt, vinegar, etc. You’re fucking moron of a husband is so CHEAP he wouldn’t even buy salt, considering he cooks almost every night. You used my rice (which by the way, when you arrived was full, and was EMPTY before three weeks!) and you’re very respectul husband didn’t have the decency to ask me if it’s okay that you also use my fucking rice. All this I endured because you’re a “guest”. Not my guest. His. But still, I kept my distance, confined myself to the living room and my bedroom.

But here’s the deal breaker: You, who fucking borrows your husband’s roommates stuff, didn’t even have the decency and common sense to be considerate considering your are BORROWING. WTF were you doing? Collecting dirty dishes in his bedroom? I bought those plates, cups, etc so I won’t have to keep washing one every time I’m going to use it. I bought those so that after I use one, I’d stick it in the dishwasher, and then run the dishwasher once I’m out of plates, cups, etc. I have 7 plates total. There I was, waking up and finding ZERO cups to use in the cupboard. WTF? And why is your husband keeping one of my cups in his side of the cupboard? Is he renting it? Did he even ask me if it’s okay to keep that cup there as if it’s HIS? I mean, OMG, people. Your manners, or lack of it for that matter, are just absolutely unbelievable. If I were your parent, I’d be ashamed.

After she left, I used one of my pans to cook an egg and a portion of the egg STUCK on it even with oil. When I checked the pan, half of it was missing the teflon. Worse, there were DEEP SCRATCHES, as if some moron had the bright idea to use a NON STICK FRYING PAN as a cutting board! I. Am. Just. Truly. Utterly. Speechless. I messaged my roommate to “please” buy his own kitchen stuff from now on. Which means, he can’t use my stuff anymore.

I’ve just had it. I can’t change a person. I can’t teach somebody common sense or manners. I’m just waiting for my rommate to tell me he’s leaving. Or maybe I’ll just kick him out. He didn’t sign the lease afterall so no issue there. I had it with roommates. Three strikes and I don’t ever want to go through this again with another liar, with somebody who has obviously no common sense or manners. Gawd.

Idiots. Oh, and did I mention that he GOSSIPS? Seriously. He’s supposed to be a GUY. If he didn’t have a wife, I’d have sworn he’s fucking gay. But then again, lots of gay people have kids and are married. It’s just unnerving how he gossips and I deeply regret confiding in him some things. He was okay on the first 2 months… or at least I tried to ignore those signs for as long as I could. Turned out I can only ignore it for 2 months and then it’ll just get worse and worse. Gawd. Karma will take care of them.

Ohhh… and here’s one more thing. The guy actually goes to church EVERY WEEK! Wow…seriously. He’s acting all “holy” and then he has this shitty attitude. Drama Queen no less. Isn’t it in the ten commandments (ninth commandment) —- Thou shall not bear false witness (lie)? Add hypocrite to his “endearing” qualities.

I truly am just…speechless at what I’ve gotten myself into.

written: Oct 28 2008

i was always last and i blamed you
but now i know you can’t help it
she’ll always come first
you’ll always love her

i was bitter once and so young
i’ve always wondered if it’s all in my head
but i grew up
and i knew it’s real

you can deny it all you want
i’m not gonna lose sleep over it
not anymore

she’ll always be your favorite
and in her twisted mind i’ve threatened her
and in your twisted mind you believe her lies
and you take sides, once again

you can deny it
just as you’ve always have
I’m over this, I’m over you

when it’s that easy to take the side against me
to believe everything I’m accused of
without giving me
the benefit of the doubt

I knew, just as I always have
I was never anything to you
so if you’re hurt
don’t look at me to help
you make feel better
because you were never there, not for me
you were there for her, for them
but never for me

you can deny it
you can feel hurt
but i’m not the kid I once was
I know who I am, what I am
I’ve never been more sure
I know what’s real
I know it’s real
It’s not just in my head
It’s never been more real
It’s never been more clearer

and until she say Sorry
you, who takes her side so easily
you, who without saying a thing
you, who finds it so hard to be neutral
is just as guilty
in twisting my words
twisting it, until you’re convinced
until you’re both convinced
that I’ve threatened her
that I’ve attacked her

I’m sorry it has to come to this
But I’m done enabling her,
enabling you

I don’t know her
I don’t know you
not anymore

I’ll be leaving in a few minutes for this live show in Seattle. Although I got the tickets over a month ago, I’m not exactly looking forward to this show as much as I thought I would. His songs (the way he sings, the song arrangement, etc) are a little too similar to Dashboard Confessional’s early songs (okay… I think he COPIED Dashboard) so I was curious how he would sound live. Would it be the same experience as going to a DC show, especially the SOLO acoustic ones?

On the way to work during lunch break, I heard John Vesely on the radio promoting the show tonight. Oh yeah, Secondhand Serenade calls itself a “band” but is actually just John Vesely. Seriously. COPYCAT! LOL. To those who are clueless about Dashboard Confessional, it actually started out as just Chris Carrabba, and up to now, people still get confused if Dashboard is just Chris, or all four of the band members.

Anyways, so I heard John on the radio and he played Fall For You (top 10 hit) “live”. Man… it didn’t sound good. I just want to get the show over with. I’m not looking forward to this show because…

1) I’ve been sick for the past two weeks
2) it’s a weeknight so I have work the next morning
3) If what he sounded on the radio live is how he’ll really sound on live shows then this is going to be one long night

But who knows, maybe he’ll charm his way through it all, which I doubt because he’s no looker like Chris. LOL.